After my glorious $5,000 tennis loss-but-win, it’s time to reflect on some other sporting triumphs.

1.The wrong hole – At basketball I once sunk a stunning three. This would have been highly commendable had I not shot it into the wrong hoop. As the ball swished through the net, I did a little victory dance which baffled my teammates into stopping to congratulate me. Their jubilation quickly turned to confusion, then disdain. Thanks to my stunning accuracy, the opposition scored 3 extra points, my team hated me and our winning streak ended abruptly.

2. Germaine Greer would be proud – I turned up to another basketball match all ready to rumble. Unfortunately I had forgotten to wear a bra. This meant I had to ask similarly proportioned team mates and opposition if they had a spare. They didn’t. And those basketball singlets have really big arm holes.

3. 50m backstroke – For some reason I was thrust into the school 50 metre backstroke race.  The boy of my 17-year-old dreams was sitting at the finish line and I was certain that if I demonstrated quality backstroking, in his eyes my hotness level would increase three-fold. After splashing and hyperventilating my way down the pool, I was so keen to finish that I forgot the wall was fast approaching. I smacked the crown of my head straight into it. It was like the sound of a coconut falling from a great height. Cue massive concussion and, unsurprisingly, no lover boy.

4. When animals attack your bum before a race – I was standing in the waters of Elwood beach with hundreds of other women, ready to spring into triathalonic action. Whilst positively visualising myself not coming last, I saw a big gelatinous ball blob-blob-blob by me. Within seconds I realised it wasn’t a puffed up piece of gladwrap, and, within one more second, the jellyfish had flung a needle-studded tendril my way and stung me on the arse. I screamed ‘jellyfish!’! All the other girls screamed ‘jellyfish!’ Then the starter siren sounded! It was a long and painful race for my right buttock, lower quadrant.

5. McEnroe’s evil twin

I had lost a tennis match that I really wanted to win, or at least not lose. Susan was just so much better than me. And taller. And prettier. Gah! After stomping my way to the net, I offered her a limp and surly handshake then stormed off the court, slamming the gate behind me to sulk in the clubhouse. Moments later I had to storm back on as I’d left my racquets on the court and someone pointed out they needed the court, actually.

6. A bloody game – I was filling in for a netball team and wearing my navy hotpants with ‘CHAMPION’ emblazoned across the butt. I was feeling luscious and leggy. Then the umpire approached me. ‘Ho, what’s this?’ I thought. ‘MVP (most valuable player) already?’  Sadly, no. She quietly pointed out that it may be my time of the month and that perhaps something was showing that shouldn’t be. Please see image below.