In the aftermath of the execution of Moley Cyrus, here is what we know

-Moley Cyrus was executed at 3.15pm today. He received the last rites at 2pm

-For his last meal, he chose seared scallops with burnt butter and pancetta lardons, beef fillet on potato rosti with a red wine jus and a golden gaytime

-Witnesses say he was tranquil in his final moments and spoke lovingly of his mother. His final words were ‘I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul…oh bloody hell, did I leave the iron on?!’

-The execution proceeded without a hitch

-Moley is lying in state in a sterile jar on the dining table. If you wish to pay your respects, please email denniswongbert@gmail.com

-My partner is recovering slowly, but keeps thinking Moley is still attached, which is a common occurrence among recent amputees and Siamese twins

-Moley memorabilia (bookmarks, mugs and key rings) will be available in time for Mother’s Day