How I gave birth (all too) naturally

You like blood? You like guts? You like nudity? Well here’s a birth story for you.

At 8.30pm on the 25th of August, my partner and I were organising a hard rubbish collection. As we dragged a couch, chunks of wood and a few broken chairs out to the curb, I felt a slight twang in my tum. “Ooh, that’s odd,” I thought. “Better waddle more carefully.”

Less than 24 hours later, the baby fell out.

Read how I delivered babykins drug-free as written for Essential Baby.

*

I was in biology class, circa 1995, and Mrs McLeod was valiantly trying to teach 30 adolescent students about reproduction.

One particular comment by Mrs McLeod stuck in my memory: “Girls, if you are pregnant, get an epidural during labour.” And as she uttered the word epidural, her face melted into ecstasy.

Fast forward a couple of decades, and I was very pregnant. With just seven days to go, I’d got it all planned: master the art of hypnobirthing, prepare a month’s worth of nutritious meals, reunite odd socks with their significant other, and visit everyone I’d ever known in the furthest suburbs possible.

As I contemplated my to-do list, a few rogue abdominal twinges distracted me. My partner noticed me wince and said, “You’re going into labour”.

“Fiddlesticks,” I scoffed. It was surely the practise contractions they’d told us about in the antenatal classes – just Mother Nature’s dress rehearsal.

As the contractions inched closer together, I scuttled off to the kitchen to grimace in private. Could the baby really be coming, even though the spice rack wasn’t ordered alphabetically?

At that point, my brother’s wise words (a father of two, medical professional and all-round sensible guy) came to me: “The consistent thread is having support and resilience, and having trained physical and mental tools to deal with pain, stress and uncertainty …”

Dang. At this stage I was physically and mentally tool-less. The plan was to get tooled up in the next week. Not being a fan of pain, I was very open to all methods – chemical, psychological, new age crystals and prayer – to help avoid it. I certainly wasn’t shy about medication. In fact, my policy on this was, in the immortal words of Britney Spears, “Gimme gimme more”.

Googling ‘labour pain’, I tried to speed read the section on pain management techniques but the letters blurred before me. As my contractions increased in both frequency and ferocity, I had to concede that now was not the time to find a peer-reviewed paper on the merits of hynobirthing versus calmbirth. Now was the time to call an Uber.

Thankfully two people – not three – arrived at the hospital, and we were shown to our quarters. This was the room where I’d play my carefully curated playlist while splashing around the hot tub. Maybe a Scrabble match and a light luncheon would also be on the cards. Then I’d light the lavender-scented candles, sit in the half lotus position, get all drugged up and sail through labour with a numb lower half and an opiated smile.

As I writhed around on the bed, my obstetrician, Pip, came in and popped a well-qualified hand up my lady part, looked a trifle surprised and announced that I was 8cm dilated. Perhaps Scrabble would have to wait.

Her prognosis explained why, in the last few minutes, my gentle bovine lowing that accompanied each contraction had become a blood-curdling howl. Pregnant ladies in neighbouring wards, couples on the hospital tour, and everyone else in the southern hemisphere heard my unearthly cries and instinctively clenched their pelvic floor muscles.

Pip then decided that the energy I was expending on my Mongolian throat yodelling could be better channelled: it was time to push this behemoth out. As everyone gathered round my front bottom, I rued the fact I hadn’t made time for a vajazzle, or at least rearranged my haemorrhoids in a more fashion-forward way.

Whilst adopting a series of gravity-friendly birthing positions (each more indecent than the last), I thought it was time to pull out the big guns and enquire about the pain relief – simply breathing through the pain didn’t seem to be cutting it.

This, I felt sure, was the moment I would understand Mrs McLeod’s epidural ecstasy.

I assumed there’d be some kind of pain steward on hand who would present me with a menu and talk me through the daily specials. Turned out there was no such person. And the nurse said the only thing available to someone as dilated as me was the gas and air, though that, she continued, can make you feel a bit woozy. I declined the gas and air, thinking, ‘Who would want to feel dizzy when you could feel like you’re laying a dinosaur egg?’

So this birth was going to be one without pain relief.  What an insult to the pharmaceutical industry. On I pushed, assisted by a Panadol taken six months back and the simple truth that – with the baby’s mohawk now bobbing in and out – it was probably too late to turn back.

After four hours of perforating eardrums and the odd sensation that I’d birthed a squid, Holly Hines skidded onto planet earth. Following close on her coat-tails was the placenta, Hank, and I was thrilled he was all curves and no fingernails.

And that is how I gave birth (far too) naturally. They say you forget the pain of labour as soon as you are handed your baby. No siree: I have a very good memory. Though little did I know that more was to come from massacred nipples, dealing with Centrelink and the agony of recalling what three hours’ continuous sleep felt like.

As I lay cradling my baby, I wondered if it was too late to claim my epidural. After all, everyone knows that the first post-birth BA (hospital speak for bowel action) can be as harrowing an experience as giving birth itself.

http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/birth/birth-stories/how-i-gave-birth-far-too-drugfree-for-my-own-liking-20161201-gt1lq0

 

Photo by the lovely Kristina Kingston www.kristinakingstonphotography.com.au

 

No Moore Kelly Eng

*Warning: some nudity involved.

Kristina, of Kristina Kingston Photography, was looking for a pregnant woman to photograph.

I must have been the only pregnant woman available within a 400,000 kilometre radius of her studio and by default, became the chosen one.

Kristina wanted to channel that iconic photograph of Demi Moore from the front cover of Vanity Fair and I didn’t want to let her down (too badly).

Thank god for Kristina’s skills and for Photoshop.

Here’s something I wrote for Essential Baby about my time on the photo shoot.

*

A friend of a friend was looking to do a pregnancy photo shoot, and my growing gut and I were asked if we’d be happy to oblige. Of course we would! Who wouldn’t want to be immortalised at a time when you have all the sprightliness of a morbidly obese mammoth suffering from haemorrhoids?

The lovely and talented photographer, Kristina, determined that we would channel the iconic Annie Leibovitz/Demi Moore collaboration for Vanity Fair. Her task was to marshal her talent to capture my enigmatic earth mother fecundity; mine was to turn up clean and hairless in all the right places.

The lead-up to the shoot saw minimal preparation from me. With 20 minutes to go, I examined my collection of Bonds and Woolworth’s undies, wondering which ones looked the most photogenic (least moth-eaten). Fifteen minutes later, my checklist – fix eyebrows, wax legs, paint nails, purchase nice underwear that fits, look less ugly – was whittled down to: get in car now.

Accompanied by my partner as chaperone and muse, I arrived at the cavernous studio with its polished timber floorboards, white curvy backdrop and big satellite-dish lights. The wraparound windows revealed a city skyline twinkling prettily in the distance. This was the business! Ushered to the change room, I beheld a rack of satiny/lacy/gossamer-like materials. This was no change room: this was a chrysalis from whence the resentful office drone with mild scoliosis would emerge as shimmering Greek (well, North Melburnian) goddess.

Kristina set about patiently helping me to prepare. She asked if I wouldn’t mind putting some makeup on (I thought I’d already applied a full face of slap), then asked if I had an eyebrow pencil. No, I replied, wondering if she had a spare biro or white board marker. She encouraged me to comb my hair; I asked if she had a fork. Then I realised I’d forgotten the crucial prop – my nude g-string, the flesh-coloured fig-leaf behind which I would hide my lady garden (though in truth it was more impenetrable Amazonian rainforest than English garden).

Ho hum. An excellent start.

My next task was to shoehorn my way into a long satin dress. I popped it over my head, but then couldn’t make it past my not-particularly-generous chest area and it ruched up. I was trapped. My head and neck were modestly covered, while my chest, bulging womb and rainforest were on full display. I tottered around the dressing room, blind, arms outstretched in search of help.

Thankfully I was guided to a more forgiving stretch material dress and we headed out to the studio. Beneath the bright lights, I did my best to follow Kristina’s clear and sensible instructions – chin up, head down, leg up – with all the spatial awareness of a dyslexic bull in an antiques shop. It was at this point that I remembered incontinence could be an issue for pregnant ladies, and I prayed it wouldn’t be an issue now. Not while I was representing motherhood in Kristina’s dress.

Then we progressed to the underwear shoot. This was the shot. Never mind that my underwear would have been tight on someone three sizes smaller and the underwire was escaping and jabbing dangerously into my spleen; one must suffer for one’s art. Bending one knee, I grabbed my gut and heeded my mum’s best advice for photographs: keep your eyes open.

The final shot involved me cavorting about topless with a gauzy sheet of shimmering gold fabric. As it was all about movement, a wind machine and music from Black Swan was employed to inspire me.

As Kristina encouraged me to “Move with the chiffon”, and shouted out encouraging lies such as “Gorgeous! Beautiful!”, I suddenly felt like I was at the Year 9 disco. Holding the fabric stiffly in front of me, I tried to think of some appropriate moves … any moves really, though it’s hard to twirl when your elbows and knees have mysteriously locked. Tetanus? Please god, not now.

As Black Swan music swelled around me, I swayed from side to side like a reed. I thought about clapping, though decided against it. Then I thought pointing my toes might look a bit sophisticated, so I did that. Not quite emulating the vulnerable grace of Natalie Portman, I did evoke the elegance of a well-meaning side-stepping yeti.

By the end of shoot I was spent and this Earth Mother nourished herself and her unborn child with fistfuls of nature’s finest sour cream and chive chips.

Thank goodness I remembered to shave my armpits. And that Kristina – a true alchemist – could mask knotted hair and pitiful dance moves with her exceptional photographic skills … and just a little bit of Photoshopping.

 

Kristina Kingston Photography
http://www.thewhitespace.com.au / 0407 720 072

 

 

Had a baby and stuff

Friday was a busy day. Opened my birthday presents in the morning and had a baby in the afternoon.

Father is resting peacefully and deriving comfort from icepacks and hydrogel breast discs on his grazed nipples.

Obstetrician and ward staff are seeking compensation for perforated eardrums.

Baby – Holly Nina Hines – is of middling height and weight. May she be kind and cheerful and achieve a PhD in happiness.

Rest of the weekend was uneventful, though I did see a pancake that (in the dark) looked like a slice of ham.

Holly Hines

Mother knows best(ish)

Mother knows best(ish)

With a baby on the way, it’s time to reflect on the wisdom Mother has passed onto me o’er the years. From cooking and fashion, to how to conduct oneself in photographs and the workplace, it’s safe to say that Mother knows how to navigate the jungle of life.

  1. Don’t wear heavy earrings unless you want massive ear lobes.
  2. When you book into a hotel, tell them it’s your wedding anniversary/ honeymoon to increase your chances of an upgrade or complimentary fruit platter. If you are alone, tell them your relationship is going through a rough patch.
  3. BYO herbs to curry laksa restaurants. They never give you enough.
  4. [On a pay rise] If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
  5. Apply eye wrinkle cream all the way to the temples.
  6. If you purchase takeaway, lift the plastic lid off slightly to let the steam out so the contents don’t get soggy.
  7. Leave at least a 40km radius between you and a microwave at all times.
  8. When in doubt ask to speak to the manager.
  9. Men like meat.
  10. Stand with your feet together in photographs and open your eyes wide.
  11. Blondes look good in navy.
  12. Put stale nuts or cookies in a hot oven for a few minutes to ‘refresh’ them. They’ll be good as new!
  13. Wear more red. Wear less black.
  14. Wear more lipstick.
  15. Men – don’t put your mobile phone in your pocket near your testicles.
  16. Bring an empty cardboard box onto long haul flights to use as a foot stool.
  17. The best cream cheese icing recipe is Nigella’s: https://www.nigella.com/recipes/chocolate-guinness-cake
  18. Won tons are ready when they rise to the top of the pot.
  19. Always apply two coats of nail polish.
  20. Expel the air out of an ice cream tub so icicles don’t form.

How to write a birth plan

As we’ve now hit the third and final trimester, I thought it would be a good time to talk about birth plans. Originally I thought they were for women (with overactive imaginations) who want to give birth in a lake with a pod of albino dolphins.

I’ve since learned that birth plans can be more pedestrian. One website describes it as: a document that lets your medical team know your preferences for things like how to manage labour pain. Other sites went on to describe the plan as “extremely important” and of “tremendous significance” and I thought, dang,  better get myself a plan that’s more descriptive than: get it out fast.

When I mentioned a birth plan to Mother, she looked at me with total incomprehension.

fanny give sbirth

Fanny gives birth

Back in her day, there was no plan – women gave birth on dirt floors with apples in their mouths to stop them screaming (a little like the movie Robin Hood Prince of Thieves when ruddy-cheeked Fanny gave birth with Morgan Freeman as chief midwife).

I also brought up the birth plan topic with my usually-sunny obstetrician. As soon as I said birth plan, storm clouds gathered over Flemington Road, a clap of thunder sounded and her response made me realise that she may have witnessed one too many elaborate plan.

Still, just in case anyone asks, please see below.

My Birth Plan.

Where: In order of preference, I would like to give birth in the following locations:

  1. In the hospital – I don’t want to miss a second of this luxurious stay which, given the cost,  I imagine will be akin to a 7 star hotel experience.
  2. In the office – there’s nurses, unlimited WiFi and teabags.
  3. At home, but only on the tiled surfaces.

Getting there: Given my close proximity to the hospital (a mere 700 metres door-to-door), I will row there in my computer chair using chopsticks as ski poles.

With who: A wise man once said (Robbie Williams), “watching your wife give birth is like seeing your favourite pub burn down”. With this in mind, if my partner, obstetrician and Morgan Freeman could kindly cheer me on at head level, I’ll do the rest at the business end.

Drugs: Yes please, all of them. And some for him too. Given he’s about to witness something that will make The Exorcist look mild, it’s only fair that he has something stronger than Gatorade and a ham sandwich.

Exorcist

Me in labour

Lighting: Dim (I look better in the dark).

Music: I’d like to request Salt N Pepa ‘Push it’ (P-push it real good) and Johnny Cash’s ‘Ring of Fire’ (And it burns, burns burrrrns!). Please note I’ve only selected two songs as I imagine the whole ordeal will be over in four minutes.

Catering: Bring me your finest, listeria-covered unpasteurised foods, from the funkiest blue vein cheese that’s been festering for centuries to beef tartare so fresh it’s still mooing and capering about the fields.

Witness protection clause: I have heard that during labour it’s not uncommon  to defecate. *Sigh* Should this occur,  please allow me to enter into a witness protection scheme.

Labour props: Lip balm. For the love of God do not let me give birth with dry lips.

Dennis Wongbert, my imaginary dog, is now on mat leave. For Dennis, this involves lying on his mat for the remaining months.

5ish things I didn’t know about being pregnant

Pregnancy is a strange thing. I thought it would be like the movies where BAM! I’d feel instantly pregnant and I’d be urging my partner to make me abalone and gum leaf smoothies in the middle of the night and crying at petunias and crescent moons and things.

None of these things has happened; I am as brutish as ever, unmoved by double rainbows and The Notebook. But I have been intrigued by the following phenomena.

 

1.Beware the iguana
The list of things to avoid during pregnancy is long. Ham, soft iguanacheeses, bloody meats, bloody marys… However, one item has surprised me. Iguanas. Yes! Iguanas.  Specifically their turds, which can give you salmonella. For the baby’s launch date, I’ve arranged for an unhygenic iguana to roll a wheel of camembert into the delivery room. Stay tuned.

 

2.Giant nipples
I did know that pregnancy makes your chest expand. This is a strange sensation for someone who is used to getting around like a concaved greyhound. What I didn’t realise is the startling metamorphis your nipples undergo. Once mine nipples in the nnightwere modest, milky-latte coloured things. Coy, even. Now they’re so large and dark they could, via high-frequency radio waves, guide distressed ships to safety. I know the reason behind their Jekyll and Hyde transformation is so that babies can home in on them. But I fear that once they are unfurled, baby may actually be more inclined to call Crime Stoppers than latch on.

 

3.Speaking of nipples
So I may be jumping the gun by a few months talking about labour, but it pays to be prepared. I did know about some labour-inducing techniques – rogan josh for breakfast, walks round the block, driving on bumpy roads, star jumps, using a shoe horn, begging etc. But apparently the only proven technique is nipple tweaking and stimulation. For three hours. If you are available to help in early September, please email me your CV and relevant experience.

 

4.Sore bits
Mysterious pains seem to spring from all directions. First there was this nervey-pain in my arms.  I’d be rubbing my forearms on any available surface for relief: steering wheels, fences, my colleagues, my partner’s ankle bone… A diagnosis came in: carpal tunnel syndrome. Not just for office workers who go too hard at the keyboard, carpal tunnel syndrome is a joy also reserved for pregnant women. Who knew? Then there’s the foot cramps that seem to surpass anything I’ve experienced after hours of tennis on asphalt. These pain comets come in hard, then, when you think you can take no more, they kick up 14 notches. Good practice, I suppose, for D day.

 

5.Does my peeing know no bounds?
It seems I spend the majority of my days weeing. Not short trickly ones either – long, luscious, noisy, I-cannot-believe-it’s-still-going-type pees. Horse-style. At the other end of the spectrum, pregnant ladies can also experience the most gill-greening constipation. Apparently. So I’ve heard. Ahem. *reaches for lentil juice *

 

6.The magic zipper line
I have developed a strange and magical line down the front ofequator my belly (called linea nigra in fancy Latin). Apparently we all have it, but pregnancy brings it out. It’s like a faded zipper scar and impressively straight!

 

 

 


In preparation for the launch date, Dennis Wongbert (imaginary dog) is making a papier-mâché egg to crouch inside. At the very moment baby launches out of me, he will thrust both paws above his head for a double-pronged punch and burst out of the egg! A bit like how Monkey Magic was born.

dennis born from egg

 

Having lain back and thought of Glen Waverley…

We’d had our 13 week scan, everything was looking swell (especially me) and so it was time to tell Mum and Dad that I was not just portly but also pregnant.

I wasn’t quite sure how the scene would play out. None of us are really into grand public displays of affection and my preferred method of expressing filial piety is through sarcasm, mockery and standoffishness.

We had a few ideas on how to tell my parents (each less subtle than the last), from taking them out for a pizza at Baby to hiring a big band to play the Lion King’s ‘Circle of Life’.

In the end we got really imaginative and decided to just tell them, with me wearing a minibaby-on-board[1] ‘baby on board’ badge pinned to my t-shirt.

I was slightly nervous. Our baby news was a tacit admission that I had not kept myself nice. That the Englishman next to me had had his wicked way with me. And so what if he did?! We only did it once and neither of us enjoyed it. I lay back and thought of Glen Waverley while my partner tried to convince me that ‘tantric’ was a synonym for ‘premature’.

Maybe Mother would accuse me of skulking. Or Dad Eng would reach for his shot gun and stare us off the back patio. Or perhaps the worst of all possible scenarios would occur: tears and sentimentality.

We approached the back door and did the whole long-drawn-out-Mother-loves-her-beige-carpet shoe removal bit. As we sat on the couch, I shimmied my ‘baby on board’ badge in their line of sight. While Mother rattled on about lamb curry, cruise ships and dried billy button flowers, my peculiar upper body wriggling went unnoticed.

Finally we resorted to pointing at the badge. Mother came in for a closer look and did a Grandmother-again!-type squeal, while Dad squinted at the badge (he’s a touch short sighted, you see), wondering what all the noise was about.

When the news finally sunk in to all parties, Mother lumbered toward me for a full frontal hug. I did the mature thing where I plaster my arms to my side and pretend to go all rigid like a plank of wood.

hug me

Hug me…

Dad ‘poker face’ Eng even raised his arms up five centimetres away from his body and it looked like a hug was imminent. I went in for a high five instead.

After this excessive outpouring of emotion, everyone went back to normal. I assumed my usual position in front of the pantry, the Englishman nervously cleared his throat (looking about as sexually predatory as a cow), Mother made tea and Father went off to wash my car for half an hour.

When we left, Mum insisted we take 24 rolls of toilet paper.

Postscript: Quite a few people have asked how (our imaginary dog) Dennis Wongbert is coping with the news. He couldn’t be more delighted! In fact, he believes the human baby is his twin. When the baby catapults into the world, he is going to run up the hill at the local park and howl at the moon!

thS7TRDZDU