A day in the life of imaginary dog Dennis Wongbert

7.50am Wakes up. Faithfully fills in dream diary.

8am Eats some birthday cake.

8.15am Hunts for farts to catch in jam jars.

9am Dresses up as an elf and a cat.

10am Thinks evil thoughts about the neighbourhood possums.

10.04am Draws a picture of a tree with a squirrel in it.

10.35am Checks the stock market – instructs brokers as necessary.

11am Spreads Nutella on sole of booties, tries to climb up side of wall, mutters “I am Ian Sticky-boots the fly”.

12pm Hums ‘Happy Birthday’ while dusting the picture frames.

1pm Finds a desiccated poo under a tree; measures, sniffs and licks it.

1.35pm Sings ‘London’s Burning’ in a round with little brother. Frightens little brother with the ferocity of his singing the lyrics ‘fire fire!’.

1.55pm Thinks about his latest love interest Mittens McGonagall.

3.01pm Microwaves three cocktail frankfurters and serves with soy sauce and rice. Eats with chopsticks.

3.10pm Wonders how high the sky is.

5.55pm Moonwalks down the hallway wearing one pink washing up glove.

7pm Cries while watching reruns of Seventh Heaven.

7.06pm Trots around the park and woofs hello twenty-two times.

9.29pm Writes in gratitude diary.

10pm Dreams of eating giant marshmallow.

6am Wakes up, can’t find pillow.